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Continuing… (It's Part 6 in the saga, I fucked up. Sorry.)
So, after a few re-fueling and impromptu cigar-purchasing stops in South and Central America, we wheel up to the deserted jetway at LAX.
“Thought we were going to Elmendorf?” I asked.
“This isn’t it?” the pilot replied, feigning worry.
“No.”, I replied, “Looks like California. Fruits and nuts. All around. What’s going on? One minute we’re off to Texas, then Cali, then Texas again, now we end up here at the California airport of the iconic tower.”
“Yeah, it’s confusing enough haulin’ civilians around. But when we get a call from Virginia, we tend to comply without any questions,” the pilot explains.
“Aw, shit!”, I sort of exclaim, “Rack and Ruin called?”
“Yeah”, the pilot replies, “Figures you’d know these guys. They said they were closer to LAX rather than Texas and had us divert here. In fact, you look over there, see that dark blue Chevy? That’s them; and evidently, your ride.”
I tipped the airman from earlier a couple of cigars as he helped me with my gear off the plane and into the trunk of Rack and Ruin’s plain-Jane blue late modeled Chevy. Had to move the Sidewinder Missiles off to one side, though.
“Most honorable Agents Lack and Luin!” I quipped in my faux-racist greeting. “What the hell, guys? I’ve got to get to Japan and get some newly rigidified digits.”
“Let’s see your hand”, Agent Rack asks. “Nasty.”
“Yeah”, I sigh “And with the medicos in South America and their penchant for plaster, I don’t so much have a left hand as more of an ankylosaur tail.”
“Or Thagomizer”, Agent Ruin tittered. “Anyone gives you grief, and one upside the head should set them right. Or dead.”
“You’re a riot, Ruin.” I replied, “But not entirely incorrect.”
We all agreed that I really didn’t need any extra accouterments to make myself look more dangerous. I mean with my severe haircut, stern beard clip, and perpetual ‘Go fuck yourself’ scowl.
“Yeah”, I replied, stroking the aforementioned beard, “I just can’t get that. I’m such a people person.”
After Agents Rack and Ruin finished drying their eyes from laughing what I thought was en extremis, we finally got down to business.
“So, what’s the skinny, guys”, I asked. “New marching orders?”
“No. Not as such”, Agent Ruin said, still sniggering over my ‘people person’ comment.
I see we’re moving. Agent Rack is just driving casually, like Chewbacca when they were waiting to see if the Empire went for that expensive Bothan code.
“Then, what?” I asked, getting a slight bit piqued.
“Well”, Agent Ruin noted, “When you went to South America, you took some of your artillery collection with, correct?”
“You know I did. You even made some snide comments about my personal choice of sidearms and their ‘excessive’ calibers, if memory serves”, I reiterated.
“And if you are proceeding normally, as you always do, they’re all nestled in the trunk of this very car. All cleaned, quiet, unloaded, and smelling sweetly of Hoppe’s Number 9 and WD 40, correct?” Rack inquired.
“Yes?” I cautiously venture.
“Well, ya’ big dummy, do you think they’re going to let you saunter into Tokyo armed like the Third Fleet?” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Um…well…I do have a Diplomatic Passport.” I ventured.
“That’s not going to work this time.”, Agent Ruin said, shaking his head. “They’re tighter than Dick’s Hatband about sidearms. Want to bring in your Rigby SXS .500 Nitro Express double rifle? Not a problem. Sidearms, especially in your alien hunting calibers, nope.”
Well, that’s just….*dandy!”, I reply, semi-put out. “Now what the hell am I going to do?”
“Ever think that’s why Ruin and I are here, now?”, Rack asks.
“And here I thought it was just so you could bask in the warm glow of my fucking wonderful personality. Or that you actually cared about me as a real goddamn human”, I joshed.
“Ummm…yeah”, Rack replies, “There’s no way we can answer that without going on some Deadpool list. “
I agreed.
“OK, here’s the deal: you get your sidearms, ammunition, speed loaders, brass knuckles, Asp, laser range finders, Sap, Zeiss scopes, Kukri, Wisconsin Cheese Whittler, Buck folding skinner, Marine K-Bar, those two ultra-illegal Cheburkov Cobra titanium switchblades...”
“Three. Olga the KGB lady sent me one for Geologist’s Day.”
“Ahem. Those three ultra-illegal Cheburkov switchblades, that Wyoming Speedholer, your MASER Time-Distance Computer, garrote, pocket rail gun and whatever else lethal you carry and deposit it in the iron box in the trunk. We’ll ensure that it’s delivered to Esme post-haste. And by post-haste I mean one of our guys will deliver it personally.”
“Well…I suppose”, I conceded, “But best send someone who’s been to the house recently. I don’t know how much bigger Khan has grown since I left on this little fantasy trip. Wouldn’t want a star on the wall in Langley for someone eaten by a mastiff. Want to see a picture….Oh, bother. That’s right. My phone’s at the bottom of fucking Lake Maracaibo.”
“Good point”, Ruin interjects, “Guess we’ll do a little road trip and deliver it ourselves. Best call Esme and let her know what’s going on.”
“I have no objections to your proposals. Please give Esme this when you see her. I had some luck in the Calaveras Casino and if I don’t send her some mad money. Ouch. She’ll never forgive me for not taking her along to Japan.” I asked.
“But I thought Esme hated Japan? Too crowded and too ‘fussy’, I believe was her estimation.” Ruin asked.
“Yes, but once she saw the Ginza, all bets were off. Shopping the likes of which even Allah himself hasn’t seen.” I replied, slowly shaking my head.
“I see”, Ruin said, “Well, since you’re off to Sapporo, perhaps you can do a recon for Esme on the shopping there.”
“Not bad. Not bad at all.”, I smiled, “Now I know why I let you guys hang around with me.”
So, as advertised, I am now standing on the tarmac at LAX, basically feeling naked.
“Can’t I keep just one switchblade?” I moaned to Agent Rack.
“Go ahead, if you’re really keen on donating it to Japanese customs”, he replied.
“Fuckbuckets.” I groused.
“There, there now. That’s the usual Dr. Rocknocker of which we’re all so fond.” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Remember, you do have that wallet-sized credit card gizmo from the Company. So you’re not entirely ‘naked’. Think of it as an emergency breechcloth.” He smiled.
“I’d like a larger model if you don’t mind. It’s chilly out here.” I joshed.
After Agents Rack and Ruin stripped me metaphorically naked as they de-weaponized me, they handed me a Business Class ticket to Tokyo, and a pass to the Japan Airlines Hospitality Suite and Lounge.
“So sorry you guys can’t hang around and have a few farewell snorts”, I chided, “But you’ve got a bit of a drive, so best be off before the weather turns to shit.”
“Who says we’re driving?” Agent Rack asked as he hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the ready and waiting C-130 cargo plane currently taxiing slowly in our direction.
“Well, in that case”, I smiled even more broadly, “Let’s invite the flight crew to join us. That’ll make the flight home all that much more interesting.”
After near tear-jerking farewell sentimentalities, i.e., “Piss on you”, “Get stuffed” and “Take a fuckin’ hike”; Agents Rack and Ruin, my weapons and the Agency’s plain-Jane Blue Chevy were all nestled snugger than buggers in ruggers in the belly of the thundering C-130.
Now truly on my own, I trudge the hundred thousand or so centisteps to my departure terminal, make a quick recon that my flight’s still slated to go in a generally westward direction, and hightail it to the nearest courtesy desk to ask for a motorized cart to take me and my remaining luggage to the JAL Hospitality Suite.
Hey. I’m old, infirm, and currently among the walking wounded.
Anyone that disagrees risks an Ankylosaur tail club swat or Thagomizer to the skull.
Finally ensconced in the JAL Hospitality Suite, Polo Lounge of course; I was drinking Tokyo Teas (3 oz. vodka, 2 oz. gin, 2 oz. rum, 1 oz. triple sec, 1 oz. Midori, good splash of lime juice, a slight splash of 7-Up (diet, of course), over ice with a lime wheel) with Pabst Blue Ribbon Extra 1844 chasers and Hangar One’s “Fog Point” vodka on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of two thousand and twenty-something, Common Era…
I’ve already called Esme and we’ve had a good, long chat. She still managed to give me her shopping list for whenever I find myself bored on the Ginza.
She’ll be shocked when she learns that I’m not going to be in Tokyo long, but have 1st class tickets on the Bullet Train to Sapporo. Still, I’ll probably find myself in Pole Town or the Stellar Place there, trading piles of US greenbacks for locally produced Japanese curios and clothing.
I can hardly wait.
I order another round of drinks, as the wonderful attendants in the Hospitality Suite were bored out of their skulls because of the COVID-induced drop-in customers flying anywhere that requires a hospitality room stay, and I was virtually the only one around. They tried their level best to outdo each other when it comes to Japanese efficiency and friendliness.
After a couple of hours, they ask if I would like something from the grill, as the day chef had “the COVID” and the night chef just arrived. A quick perusal of the menu and I chose a 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse and another round of drinks.
I usually don’t like to eat too much before I fly, but JAL tells me the flight is going to be virtually empty, something like <121 pax, all told, so restroom availability shouldn’t be too much of a concern.
Plus, who am I to say no to a free, blue 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse?
There was a bit of difficulty conveying to the chef through the intermediaries of the hospitality just how I wanted my steak.
“Blue,” I said.
“Brue?” was the reply.
“Rare. Very, very rare.” I continued.
Look of total bewilderment.
I drag out my Personal Language Pro, speak “Steak, very, very rate” into the infernal gizmo, and hand the contraption to the attendant.
“珍しい、非常に珍しいステーキ?”[ Mezurashī, hijō ni mezurashī sutēki?]
“Raw! Nama!” I say, louder than need be.
They toddle off to find the chef.
“How is it sir, that you would like your steak cooked?” he asks.
“Very rare. Just a minute or two per side. Inside still cold.” I instructed.
All I got for the trouble was a puzzled smile.
“Give me the language gizmo…” I type in a few words…
“お尻を洗い、角をノックオフして、ここから出してください”
[O shiri o arai,-kaku o nokkuofu shite, koko kara dashite kudasai.]
“Wash its ass, knock its horns off, and walk it out here.”
“OH!” as the lightbulb pops. “Rare. Got it! Excellent!” the chef laughs and zips back to the kitchen.
Like I always say, I’m nothing if not the international ambassador of amity and goodwill.
“Crack tubes!”
Dinner was fantastic. I do wish I could have somehow mailed the Porterhouse bone back home for Khan. After that hambone incident, he might even taste it.
Finally on the plane, in an almost empty Business Class, the flight captain informs us that we’re headed to Haneda Airport Tokyo and anyone not headed in that direction better ‘haul ass off’ the flight or forever hold their peace.
Late-night international flights tend to be a bit more wooly than your average Chicago to Omaha gig.
Especially when the flight’s damn near empty and we have the next 12 hours or so to be best friends.
We taxi, turn and head into the wind. I’m doctoring up a couple of dossiers and keeping my personal cabin attendant, Luna since there were two of us in Business and two business flight attendants, busy with her trying to play ‘Stump the Geologist’.
“I’ll bet you never had this before.” She beamed and handed me a tumbler of very dangerous-looking brown liquor.
I cautiously sniff, take a modest gulp, swirl and glug the rest down.
“Ohishi Single Sherry Cask”, I say with a muffled belch. “Light. Fruity. An Englishman’s drink.”
“Oh. You knew. Let me try again.” She smiles beatifically.
“I have no objections to your proposal.” I smile as nicely as this crotchety old Komodo Dragon could.
She returns with another flagon of spirits; it smells of obsidian, leather, and earth.
I just had some of this back in LAX. I take a snort, smile, and shotgun the rest.
“Hibiki Japanese Harmony…lovely stuff.” I smile. “A little light for my jaded palate, but I’d never turn it down if it were free.”
“Oh, you win again. Wait. One more.” She smiles and skitters off to the galley.
She returns with another soupçon of some more dangerous brown liquor.
“Here, try this. It will make you very popular at social gatherings”. She smiles.
Sniff. “Splendid.” Snort. Swirl. Smile. Shotgun.
“Kanosuke New Born, if I’m not mistaken.” I smile back. “Very nice. I really do like this one.”
“You too good at this. One more!” she stands and stomps off defiantly. She returns in a trice and hands me the glass.
“Hmm…brown. Light notes of earth, leather, dating your daughter, and Kentucky…
“Beam Suntory, right?”
“You know them all!” she says, feigning irritation.
“And I thank you. Those were all excellent. Now, anything in the dangerous clear liquor category? I asked.
Luna smiled as I palmed off a 20k yen tip.
“Oh, no sir. Wait until we land.” She demurred, referring to the gratuity; which is know is not de rigueur in the Orient, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“Just in case we never make it to Tokyo”, I laughed, unknowingly presciently.
We both chuckled about that last line as she tried out various sakes and shōchūs and an actual Japanese ‘White Liquor’ (ホワイトリカー), which were all excellent as was the company.
I tell her that I need to get some work done and could she bring me a tall Rocknocker. After explain the origins and construction of the eponymous drink, she brings me one that must tip the scales at 1 or so liters.
She settles down to an empty seat and I get after the work that I need to finish before we land. I’m about ½ way through my drink when it felt as if the plane hit a brick wall. She quivered and quaked and clutched at herself while I made some comments about the pilot’s mental health.
We dropped like a paralyzed falcon, then just as suddenly, felt like it was an express elevator to Angel’s 11. The plane bucked and shimmied, wickedly. Then we slam-danced right and fell a few more stories. It was like we were in a Mixmaster and the owner was trying out every speed.
The emergency lights in the 777-300ER popped on, and the fasten seat belt sign barked loudly so even sleeping travelers could enjoy the show.
Rinse. Spin. Shudder. Repeat.
Finally, the ride smooths out and we hear the captain on the blower.
“This is your captain speaking…ah, we seem to have hit some uncharted turbulence back there.”
“Thanks, Captain Obvious”, I muttered.
“Everything’s A-OK. “ he reports.
“That’s good”, I note.
“But…”
“There’s always the but…” I groan.
“…we have a couple of warning lights for which we can’t quite account. So to just be safe and certain, we’re going to divert to Hawaii, get a clean bill of health and resume this flight once we make sure everything here is hunky-dory.”
There were scattered groans and applause. Add them together and divide by two and the average response on the flight was “Meh. Whatever.”
Except for the other guy in Business, with whom I hadn’t shared two words. He began to absolutely lose his shit.
“Oh, man! We’re so screwed! Mechanical malfunction? What does that mean?” he positively fizzed with fear.
The flight attendants tried to calm him down, to no avail. They basically gave up and said they’d report his misgivings to the Captain.
I motioned over to my personal flight attendant, Luna, and asked if I could be of service.
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled at me, “If you could speak with him. You are so calm, and he is…”
“Losing his bloody mind”, I chuckled as I finished her sentence for her. “Of course, I’ll take a stab at it.”
So, I grab my drink and ease over to my Business Class partner and introduce myself.
“Hey, pal. How’s it going? I’m Dr. Rock, gentleman, scholar, and connoisseur of cigars and things alcoholic. You doing OK?”
He looks at me with an ashen face and his eyes the size of bloodshot dinner plates.
“Yeah. I’m Todd Schotts. I’m flying to Japan for business.” He mumbles
“No surprise there,” I reply calmly and take a slug of my drink.
“But now we’re all going to die. The plane is busted and we’ll crash…” he started off again.
“So, Todd is it? Good. You drink?” I asked.
“Yeah?”, he stammered back.
I asked Luna to make us a fresh batch of my eponymous cocktails.
“OK, Todd, listen up”, I began after the drinks were served, “I have flown literally millions of miles over the last 4 decades. On Aeroflot when it was still the USSR. On TACA (Take A Chance Airways), on Chalk’s in the Caribbean, on Bob’s Verrifast Plane Company in Rhodesia, on regional carriers that don’t even exist anymore. All over the world. Had some bad experiences flying, and me ol’ mugger, this ain’t one of them. This is nothing more than the glitch for this mission.”
I chuckled lightly and complimented Luna on a fantastic drink.
“Yeah…yeah…yeah…but we have to land and check out some lights…” Todd squealed.
“Well now, Todd. It would be rather difficult to do any external assessment while in flight, don’t you agree?” I asked.
“But we’re diverting. We have to land and that adds more risk. We’re going to crash and die!” he was coming more and more unglued.
“I will bet you every cent you have on your person and home bank accounts that that will not happen”, I chuckled.
That took him by surprise. At least it shut him up for a while.
“Look, Todd. This is Boeing’s latest model. They have the most incredible safety record. And if a little clear air turbulence were to be knocking planes out of the sky, don’t you think we’d hear about it as the press went berserk?” I asked.
“But they don’t know what the lights mean! What if one of the engines’s out? How far can we fly on one engine?” Todd stuttered.
Having my fill of a supposedly grown man with inane childlike fears, I calmly replied,
“All the way to the crash site.”
He went white.
“...hope we hit something hard. I don’t want to limp away from this.”
He went limp.
Then I went to my seat and motioned for Luna to prepare a reload.
Of course, 45 minutes later, we land without incident at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport, Honolulu Hawaii.
We were told to just wait around until they figure out what the problem if any, was.
They had officials waiting at the end of the jetway to check our COVID status and passports before they let us loose in the terminal.
I asked Luna if she knew this airport. She noted that she did.
“Is there a JAL hospitality room here at this airport? I asked.
“Yes, Doctor. It’s the Sakura Lounge. It is located on the third level above The Local, Terminal 2.” She replied.
“Please notify whoever needs to know that that’s where I’ll be for the duration”, I smiled and handed her my business card. “See you soon, I hope.”
“Oh, Dr. Rock”, she replied, “I am sure it is nothing much. We’ll be back in the air within mere hours.”
“Well then”, I smiled, “Guess I’d better get ready to hoof it to the lounge.”
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled, “No rush. I will call for you a courtesy cart. You are injured, you are Business, you are priority.”
“I love that Asian efficiency.” I smiled back and toddled down the jetway.
At the terminus of the jetway, I show my COVID-clear papers, dates and times of my Anti-Virus vaccine administrations, the letter from Virginia clearing me of all detention, and my red Russian diplomatic passport.
While in the cart, whizzing our way to the JAL lounge, the driver said “Man! You must be some kind of VIP. You were through that welcoming committee in less than two minutes!”
“Me? Nah!”, I chuckled, “Just an old phart of a geologist that they didn’t want to mess with. Not on such a bright, sunny day as this.”
“I see you’re not wearing a mask.” The driver quipped.
“Very observant. There are reasons for that.” I replied.
He careens around a corner and if this were a normal pre-Covid day, I’m certain we’d have killed hundreds. However, the airport, as I’ve come to grow accustomed to, was virtually deserted.
“Yeah? Like what?” he asks.
“Well, Scooter, 1. I have an active and hardworking immune system that I let off the chain every once in a while for exercise. Got to let it know what it’s up against, right? 2. I’ve had all my shots and some that were experimental. They seem to have worked. And 3. I find it difficult to drink and smoke cigars while wearing a mask. However, if you’d prefer, I will mask up. No problem, though it still is optional.”
“Nah, man”, he said, “I was just wondering if you were one of those religious idiots or conspiracy nuts.”
Nope”, I smiled back, “Just another geologist out in the world plying his trade for cash. Y’know, whorin’ around for money.”
He laughs aloud as we skid to a stop right in front of Lounge.
I slip the guy a $20 and ask if he’d listen for the JAL flight I was just on. If we’re going on ahead today, I’d need him to scoot by and putt-putt me back to the plane.
He laughs and pockets the $20 as quick as a mink ruts.
“No worries. I’ll just hang around this area. I hear anything about the flight, I’ll come and let you know.” He grins.
“Good man”, I say, as I hand him my card. “I’m Dr. Rocknocker. Call me Rock”.
“And I’m Kapula Mano, call me Kap” he replies.
“Good man”, I say again, “Hope to see you in a while.”
He grins, floors his electric cart, and peels out at speeds approaching 4.5 MPH.
I wander into the lounge, show my credentials, and am escorted to a post up on Mahogany Ridge.
The bar is very quiet. Besides the bartender, I can’t see anyone else in the darkened and Smooth Jazz-infused drinking emporium.
I order a local drink, a Mai Tai, just for the experience and something a bit different.
It’s served in a goldfish bowl on a stem, bedecked with a slice of lime, a sprig of mint, a stick of sugar cane, a polychromatic orchid, and the obligate paper umbrella.
“Ah. Mai Tai. I will enjoy it.” I said to no one in particular.
One was enough, and I decided to go back to the old standard. Once I explained to the bartender what that was, he made them heroic and enthusiastically.
I’m reading up on a random dossier, making notes in a new file, and puffing away on a Fuentes Onyx double Maduro Churchill cigar.
I hear a slight cough coming from my right, and this here lovely lady, she sat to my immediate starboard and looked at me semi-quizzically.
Not in the mood for shenanigans of any stripe, I give her the obligate Baja Canada nod and tilt of the drink. I return to my dossiers and continue to read and take notes.
“Excuse me!” I hear.
Fearing the worst, either the woman is Karen-oid anti-smoking or a religious fruit-and-nutburger, I slowly turn to face her and reply, somewhat glacially, I have to admit.
“What?”
“That cigar…”
“Here we go…” I mutter, eyes rolling northward.
“Smells exquisite. Could you tell me the brand? My husband would enjoy some like that.” She notes.
Instantly my demeanor switches 180^0.
“Yes, ma’am. It’s an Arturo Fuentes Onyx. Churchill size, or 60 ring x 7” length, double Maduro. Here, take one for your husband. I have an ample supply.” I smile.
“Oh, no. I couldn’t. Could I?” she asks.
“Please. I insist.” I smile the best I could given the circumstances.
“Thank you. You’re too kind…umm…Mr….?”
“Doctor. Doctor Rocknocker. World traveler, oilman, and international ambassador of amity, good drinks, and fine cigars. Call me Rock” I said.
“Oh! A Doctor?” she brightens.
“Yes, of Petroleum Geology and Engineering. Not medicine.” I chuckle.
She chuckles back.
“And I am Hella Aaberg”, as she offers her hand for a quick shake.
“Interesting name, Hella. Scandinavian or Old German heritage?” I ask.
“On my father’s side. He’s Finnish.” She replies.
“But I’ll wager your mother is not Scandinavian, correct?” I ask.
“She was from Truk, an island…”
“In the South Pacific, Micronesia. Was she from Weno city?” I asked.
“Why yes. How could you possibly know that?” she asked.
“Oh, I’ve been there. Great diving amongst the WWII wrecks. I think it’s actually called ‘Chuuk Lagoon’ or something like that now.” I said.
“That’s right! Amazing. Where else have you been?” she asked.
“Anywhere there’s oil, strife, booze, cigars, heavy explosives and typically long distances from whatever most normal people call civilization,” I replied with a chuckle.
Suddenly, I hear a voice booming out behind me.
“Why don’t you save that rapier-like wit for those musky-fuckers back home, Rocko?”
My expression changes. My eyes pop fully wide open.
“Hella?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“May I ask you a favor?”
“You can ask…”
“Thank you. Now, looking over my shoulder, is there a hulking goon of a person, thin up top, paunchy halfway down with the most ridiculously tiny sized shoes you’ve ever seen for a so-called grown man?” I ask.
“Yes. Yes, there is.” She replies.
“I thought so. Many thanks.”
I spin and launch off my barstool and grab Toivo by the hand. He hadn’t seen my left-hand Thagomizer yet.
“Toivo! You old sumbitch. What the flying fennec fox fuck are you, of all people, doing in Hawaii?” I laughed.
“Just keeping an eye on you, Rock!” he laughed equally as loud.
“No, fucking-A, seriously. What the actual fuck? What are you doing in this actual nice place?” I asked.
“Just headed to Tokyo to conduct a bit of service company business. I walked into the lounge and smelled a foul cigar. I figured it can’t be the venerable Dr. Rocknocker. He’s back at some school up north terrorizing geology and engineering grads and undergrads.” Toivo laughed.
“But there I was. Surprise!”, I laughed and pumped his hand.
“What the fuck, Rock. Now what did you do?” he asks, referring to my Ankylosaur tail club left hand.
“Ah, fuck. Long story. Oh, pardon me. Toivo, this is Hella. We were just talking about the South Seas Islands.” I said.
“Planning on running off together?” Toivo laughs, to the amusement of neither party.
“Oh, and this idiot is Toivo, a man with a congenital foot-in-mouth disorder. He’s mostly harmless.” I noted to Hella.
Greetings were shared all around. Hella made some small excuses and said she needed to depart. I gave her another cigar for her husband, shook her hand, and wished her well.
“Here’s my business card. If your husband has any questions, have him drop me a line.” I noted.
Hella smiled beautifully. She said she would. Then she thanked me shook our hands, and like that, there she was, gone.
“Well Toivo, you old bastard. Don't just stand there in the doorway like some lonesome goddamn mouse shit sheepherder, get your ass over here and have a drink.” I motioned over to my perch on Mahogany Ridge.
“Don’t mind if I do”, he says as he deftly winds his way to a seat to my left, snagging a cigar out of my pocket on the way over.
“You might want these”, I say in an exasperated tone, and hand him my gold Dunhill Hobnail lighter and V-cutter gizmo.
He cuts and fires up his heater.
“What you drinkin’, Rock”, he asks.
“Anything with alcohol, as usual. You know that Toiv.” I reply.
“No. I mean right now.” He clarifies.
“Well, I had a Mai Tai. Very nice if you like fruity, flowery drinks. It’s the locals’ favorite.” I reply.
“Sounds good. I’ll have several. And you?” Toivo asks.
“My usual. The bartender is already apprised of the situation.” I reply.
Toivo smiles the smile of one knowing his sobriety is going to be taken out for a swim. Hell, taken out and tossed into the deep end.
Toivo and I sit there, swapping lies, smoking cigars and sipping at our toddies.
Hell, Toivo was slurping them like a sump-pump during an extra-wet summer.
We chattered about family, work, whether or not Tokyo was going to host the Olympics or if the COVID-boogie man scared everyone off.
Toivo, always one afflicted with TB (“Tiny Bladder”) got up to go to the loo for the third time that hour. He left his pocket organizer on the bar and I swear on a stack of Origins of Species, I didn’t touch it.
I reached over to his vacated seat to retrieve my cigar lighter when I looked down and saw in his organizer a tab that reads “Rack & Ruin”.
“Oh. No. Fucking. Way.” I recoiled as I’d just reached out and petted a 6-foot hungover scorpion.
“One of my best friends? Secretly allied with the Agency? No. Not possible.” I drained my drink and called for another.
“No. No. No. It can’t be. No. No fucking way…” as doubt began to dissolve when I thought back to all those times I had just ‘run into’ Toivo.
“But he’s oil patch as well. That could be chalked up to coincidence.” I ruminated quizzically in my brain.
I quickly reflected back on J.M. Darhower: “Yes, you see, there’s no such thing as coincidence. There are no accidents in life. Everything that happens is the result of a calculated move that leads us to where we are.”
She may be the author of the execrable New Adult Sempre series, which Esme likes and I loathe, but she might just be right on this occasion.
Toivo return, lighter in the bladder and good sense. He never even noticed he’d left his organizer out in broad bar light for all to see.
“So, Toivo, when’s your flight?” I ask.
“Oh, man. Was I lucky. The JAL flight to Tokyo from Los Angeles had mechanical trouble and had to divert here. I got a ticket on the plane for that flight, when it continues.
“You mean ‘if it continues’,” I replied.
“Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I meant. Hey! Was that your flight?” he asks innocently. He’s really innocent of fieldcraft.
I decide to have some fun at my old friend’s expense.
“Yep. Hit some CAT (Clear Air Turbulence) and the JAL pilots reported some lighting problem. No apparent ruin to any of the systems. They relay racked their brains to figure it out, but they couldn’t that’s why I here.” I said, waiting for the words to swim upstream in Toivo’s coconut and make some sort of connection.
“Yeah. Double lucky. No problem with the plane and I get to go to Japan early.” Toivo crookedly grins.
“So, no trouble with the plane? Then why haven’t I heard that the flight’s going to resume?” I asked as I pushed a fresh, seriously strong drink to Toivo.
“Oh, must have heard it in the john.” Toivo countered and tried to cover his tracks by taking a huge gulp of his drink and damn near dying coughing.
I pound on Toivo’s back.
“Heimlich time?” I ask.
Toivo signals ‘no’.
“Jesus Christ, Rock. What was that?” he asks.
“Just my usual”, I innocently replied.
“Holy fuck. No wonder you have the reputation of…” Toivo realizes too late that he’s said too much.
“Yeah. They can rack you out. Really ruin a person if they’re not careful.” I reply icily.
“Why, Rock. Whatever do you mean?” Toivo slurred as he realized he’s been caught out.
“The jig is up, you turncoat. You know Agents Rack and Ruin from the agency. Right? You keeping tabs on me for them? You Quisling! You Benedict Arnold!” I almost was on the verge of losing my cool.
“It was nothing. They approached me years ago as I kept being mentioned in your reports. They asked me for some information. One thing leads to another…” Toivo was ready for an Ankylosaur tail club swat to the bean.
“Oh, put your fucking hands down, you asshole.” I smiled and chuckled.
“You’re not mad?” Toivo slurred badly. I had the bartender make him another special drink.
“No, Toivo. Not mad. Just disappointed.” I said, smiling like a Komodo Dragon just finishing up a fortnight-old wildebeest.
Toivo sat there and puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore.
“You’re not going to kill me or anything rude like that?” Toivo asked, half-assedly trying to inject humor into the proceedings.
“Nah. The paperwork’s too ridiculous for me to do another liberation. But, Jesus Fucking Christwagons, Toivo; you could have mentioned it to me. Fuck, I thought we were friends to the end?” I said, dejectedly.
I was really getting through to Toivo. I could tell he was loaded; feeling like shit and massively deplorable.
Great fieldcraft, indeed.
I told him things “are what they are” and that I won’t blow his cover nor his honorarium.
He began to feel better. I often wonder if he was serious about the sanctioning thing.
Then I delivered the strategic missile strike.
“Just remember, Toivo. I wrote your dossier for the Company…”
He swivels to look at me.
“And one for the KGB. Olga says ‘howdy’.” I grin evilly.
Toivo short-circuited at that. Russia is his company’s bread and butter. Now he has the KGB as well as his best buddy looking over his shoulder at every move.
I bought him a few more drinks and continued to needle him about his ’leading a double life’. He was well and truly fuckered when the electric tap-tap driver from before came looking for me to whisk me back to the plane.
Seems it was simply some knocked-out wires on the plane, or slammed bulbs that were generating a false positive, indicating something other than the system that alerts one to something haywire went haywire.
Toivo was pretty much down for the count. I got him sober enough to hand them his ticket and ensure that he was really supposed to be on this flight. Thing was; h e was in Economy, and I was, as always, in Business.
I spoke to Luna, and the plane was going to be even less crowded than previously because some folks could or wouldn’t wait, or didn’t want to go on with the rest of the trip on a ‘damaged’ aircraft, or were just stupid and superstitious.
“Luna, could I pay for the difference between Business and Economy for my less than 100% conscious friend here? He’s had a rough day.” I asked.
“Dr. Rock. Just put him into Business. No one will be the wiser. Luna says so.” As she gave us a grand smile.
“Luna, I owe you. Thanks so much.” I said.
“Now get on board. Your friend looks like he needs all the downtime he can get.”
“Yes, ma’am!” I said and saluted here be best I could which dragging a schnozzled Toivo down the jetway.
I dumped Toivo in a window seat well away from my seat. I know Toivo. He snores like a semi-load of live hogs rocketing downhill locking up the brakes at 88 MPH.
Surprise! There was no one else in Business. Luna looked at me, at Toivo, and gave me a thumbs up.
Whatever I can write to further her career at JAL, she’ll have it before I deplane.
We finally get everyone settled, and with Captain Kangaroo at the helm, we bounced gracelessly off the tarmac, into the warm, tropical Hawaiian air, finally headed for the Land of the Rising Sun.
Toivo was snoring like a chainsaw hitting rusty nails as I worked on the various letters, communiques, and dossiers which needed updating before we reached touchdown. I gave Luna a thick letter with instructions not to open it until we were on the ground and Toivo and I were well off and away into the terminal.
We left Hawaii at 1300 hours, so we should arrive at Tokyo Nareda around 4:00 pm, the previous day. I was so bereft of time and time zones, I couldn’t figure out what time it really was, as judged by my biometric rhythms, so I asked Luna for a stiff drink as I was kicking off my boots and going to attempt to get some kip.
She brought me another liter or so eponymous drink. I was sawing logs by the time I slurped the last swig of that nifty drink.
Suddenly, or later, I have no idea really, some loudmouth drunk asshole from way-the-fuck-back in economy-land toward the ass end of the plane staggered into Business demanding free drinks.
Luna was nothing but civil, and asked him to both shut up and return to his seat. His air cabin hostess, or whatever the fuck they’re calling them these days, will attend to his needs.
“Naw they won’t! They want me to pay for more drinks! I’m broke but I demand more booze! You fucking owe me.” railed the asshole. “I sat at the bar in Hawaii for four hours. Them fuckers charged me an arm and a leg!”
“No, they don’t owe you shit”, I said in a voice that unmistakably loud and clear.
“Fuck you, old man! You stay the fuck out of this!” he bellowed. “Shut up or I’ll do ya’!”
“’Old man’? ‘Do me’? Excuse me. Luna, may I have a word alone with this individual?” I asked sweetly.
Luna shook her head in the affirmative, and I stood up to confront this flagrant asshole.
“Now look, Scooter. You have gone way, way over the fucking line. You are loud. You are abusive. You are obnoxious. And you stink. Plus you insulted a person who is just barely containing his righteous wrath right now. So, I’m giving you one and one only chance to shut up, sit back down before your body spontaneously develops all sort of bruises, contusions, broken bones, and unconsciousness.” I said calmly, evenly, and threateningly.
“What da’ fuck you think you’re going to do…old man?” he screeched, trying to inflate himself into full mammalian threat posture, all 5’ 9” of it.
He didn’t notice Toivo walking up quietly behind him, as Toivo was returning from the head, quiet as a moose.
“Well, Scooter, I am an Air Marshall. Duly appointed, fully trained, and properly pissed off. Right now, I can arrest you, physically detain you, turn this flight around and take you to the Hawaiian police, at your cost for the inconvenience of the entire flight. Or I could arrest you, physically detain you, and turn you over to the Japanese authorities when we land. It’s really your choice. Choose wisely.”
To be continued…⇝

What this is:

This is a weekly, curated listing of Kickstarter board game projects that are either:

• newly posted in the past 7 days, or
• ending in the next 7 days (starting Oct 12) and have at least a fighting chance of being funded.

All board game projects meeting those criteria will automatically be included, no need to ask. (The occasional non-board game project may also sneak in!)
Expect new lists each Sunday sometime between midnight and noon PST.

Ending Soon

Project Info	Players	Backers	Min / Avg Pledge	Ends	Comments
Broadside Empires of Steel A fully printable tabletop miniatures game set in the era of the Dreadnought Battleship. // Has raised A$11,322 of A$3,000 so far. (~377%) ☑	2	206	$22 / A$55	Oct 11	kicktraq bgg
PERTHRO A Norse mythology-inspired dice game for two players. // Has raised CHF13,392 of CHF3,500 so far. (~383%) ☑	2	484	$20 / CHF28	Oct 12	kicktraq
Random Fun Generator, Dice Games from Steve Jackson Games A collection of over twenty dice games from Steve Jackson Games! Use any existing six-sided dice, or play using our many custom dice!!! // Has raised $79,119 of $500 so far. (~15824%) ☑	varies	3166	$15 / $25	Oct 12	kicktraq
Sharks Feeding Frenzy Life getting you down? Wouldn't you rather be a shark? Eat new and exciting people! // Has raised $11,309 of $10,000 so far. (~113%) ☑	2 - 6	169	$29 / $67	Oct 13	kicktraq
Kingdom (2nd Edition) Build your community together. Fight for what you believe in… or watch it burn. A game about communities by the author of Microscope // Has raised $35,010 of $2,500 so far. (~1400%) ☑	2 - 5	1214	$10 / $29	Oct 13	kicktraq #rpg #newedition
The Thing - The Boardgame The official board game inspired by the 1982 movie The Thing. // Has raised €318,357 of €42,000 so far. (~758%) ☑	1 - 8	3995	$93 / €80	Oct 14	kicktraq bgg
Apogee: A New Space Tale A card management game from 1 to 5 players to discover the New Space // Has raised €110,467 of €20,000 so far. (~552%) ☑	1 - 5	2014	$43 / €55	Oct 14	kicktraq bgg
Soulgivers Absorb the Souls of the fallen heroes and capture the Fragment to survive the Decay in this competitive strategy game for 2 players. // Has raised €64,148 of €40,000 so far. (~160%) ☑	2	863	$82 / €74	Oct 14	kicktraq bgg
Fruit Salad: The Multiple Games in One Game We will be creating a board game called Fruit Salad. This game comes with 8 different games perfect for all kind of players. // Has raised $4,301 of $7,064 so far. (~61%)	1 - 10	30	$25 / $143	Oct 14	kicktraq
Bots Up Build a bot, send it to battle and compete to be the last bot standing!Find out more at botsupgame.com // Has raised £15,831 of £3,500 so far. (~452%) ☑	2 - 5	546	$20 / £29	Oct 15	kicktraq bgg
Hogs Of War The Miniatures Game A 1-4 Player Tabletop Miniatures Game with Tech-Tree, Hidden Movement and Base-Building mechanics. Solo and Co-op Modes included! // Has raised £101,206 of £18,000 so far. (~562%) ☑	1 - 4	1091	$88 / £93	Oct 15	kicktraq bgg
Office Buzz The Drinking Game To Become The CEO // Has raised $6,553 of $5,000 so far. (~131%) ☑	3+	231	$18 / $28	Oct 15	kicktraq
Machina Arcana ~ To Eternity A dark and immersive experience awaits you and your group of explorers. Travel the unknown, face cosmic horrors and fight for survival! // Has raised $447,554 of $30,000 so far. (~1492%) ☑	1 - 4	5682	$25 / $79	Oct 15	kicktraq bgg #expansion
Best Left Buried: Deeper A new version of the rules light fantasy horror roleplaying game, Best Left Buried. // Has raised £23,277 of £10,000 so far. (~233%) ☑	?	447	$13 / £52	Oct 15	kicktraq #rpg
Night Parade of a Hundred Yokai Raise an army of supernatural beings to haunt the islands of Japan in this asymmetrical engine building game! // Has raised $51,323 of $10,000 so far. (~513%) ☑	1 - 4	904	$50 / $57	Oct 15	kicktraq bgg
10+ Game A Card Game for Players & Inventors // Has raised HK$104,132 of HK$46,500 so far. (~224%) ☑	2 - 6	284	$24 / HK$367	Oct 15	kicktraq
Forgotten Depths A quick-playing but substantial experience of exploration and combat // Has raised $29,423 of $26,000 so far. (~113%) ☑	1 - 3	994	$30 / $30	Oct 15	kicktraq bgg #take2
Mythalix: Chapter 1: Greek Mythology Gods and Titans clash in a new world.Battle opponents, control areas & build your deck in this light strategy board game. // Has raised £14,588 of £10,000 so far. (~146%) ☑	2 - 4	316	$32 / £46	Oct 15	kicktraq bgg
THE 7th CITADEL After The 7th Continent, explore the world of the Collapsing Lands! // Has raised €2,238,010 of €300,000 so far. (~746%) ☑	1 - 4	27409	$81 / €82	Oct 15	kicktraq bgg
Brick Logic: The Game A kid designed logic game that uses LEGO bricks. Great for pandemic fun. // Has raised $2,227 of $204 so far. (~1092%) ☑	1+	130	$12 / $17	Oct 15	kicktraq
Castaway Curse (Second Printing) The shipwreck adventure game, now available with international shipping! 2-6 players, 20 min/player. Ages 13+ // Has raised $1,748 of $1,000 so far. (~175%) ☑	2 - 6	22	$100 / $79	Oct 15	kicktraq bgg #newedition
RUMSKI (Second Edition) A quick-thinking, rummy style, strategy card game // Has raised $2,904 of $3,500 so far. (~83%)	2 - 6	81	$13 / $36	Oct 15	kicktraq #take2
Set 🔥 Watch: Swords of the Coin ⚔️ The highly anticipated stand alone expansion to our acclaimed 1-4 player cooperative game, Set a Watch // Has raised $167,927 of $20,000 so far. (~840%) ☑	1 - 4	3554	$28 / $47	Oct 15	kicktraq bgg #expansion
Ultimate Bestiary Miniatures A horde of miniatures for your tabletop adventures! Based on the best selling monster book; Revenge of the Horde! // Has raised $85,513 of $75,000 so far. (~114%) ☑	-	1229	$10 / $70	Oct 15	kicktraq #minis
What's The Point? - The Cactus Card Game What's The Point? is an exciting, family-friendly, and cacti-loaded card game! // Has raised $7,925 of $3,000 so far. (~264%) ☑	2 - 6	156	$25 / $51	Oct 15	kicktraq
Lucky Luau Flower matching and lei making fun from beautiful Hawaii! // Has raised $5,204 of $4,000 so far. (~130%) ☑	2 - 6	180	$15 / $29	Oct 15	kicktraq bgg
Choo Choo Game. The Choo Choo card game is a train building game for everyone. // Has raised A$761 of A$750 so far. (~101%) ☑	2 - 12	19	$20 / A$40	Oct 15	kicktraq
Pets Gone Shady - Card Game A card game that lets you throw octopuses, deal with naked turtles and avoid hangry hamsters! // Has raised $25,190 of $12,500 so far. (~202%) ☑	2 - 5	520	$20 / $48	Oct 16	kicktraq #newedition
Good vs Gooder Fun debates for funny people—a family-friendly party game celebrating the gooder things in life // Has raised $17,758 of $18,500 so far. (~96%)	3+	209	$29 / $85	Oct 16	kicktraq
Dinosaur World and Dinosaur Island: Rawr 'n Write Dinosaur World and Dinosaur Island: Rawr 'n Write are two stand-alone games set in the Dinosaur Island Universe! // Has raised $642,373 of $25,000 so far. (~2569%) ☑	2 - 4	7422	$30 / $87	Oct 16	kicktraq bgg
Brinkwood: The Blood of Tyrants A castlepunk Forged in the Dark roleplaying game. Mask up. Spill Blood. Drink the Rich. Join the discord! https://discord.gg/R72Endm // Has raised $48,598 of $10,000 so far. (~486%) ☑	?	1644	$10 / $30	Oct 16	kicktraq #rpg
DOPPELT ODER NICHTS Ein Kartenspiel, bei dem niemand sicher ist. Du hast die Wahl, aber wenn du dich überschätzt, trifft es dich doppelt -ENGLISH AVAILABLE // Has raised €5,803 of €7,000 so far. (~83%)	4 - ?	115	$20 / €50	Oct 17	kicktraq
Escape Deathrace 2182 A pocket-sized table-top dungeon crawler that pits you against your friends (and aliens!) in a cosmic street race to save the galaxy! // Has raised $4,044 of $8,200 so far. (~49%)	1 - 4	45	$25 / $90	Oct 17	kicktraq bgg
Arms & Influence A political strategy card game, where you compete with neighboring nations to achieve world dominance. // Has raised $10,916 of $7,500 so far. (~146%) ☑	3 - 4	215	$19 / $51	Oct 17	kicktraq bgg

New This Week

Project Info	Players	Backers	Min / Avg Pledge	Ends	Comments
"Really Karen?" Party Board Game Live the life of a 'Karen' as you argue and complain around town with your friends in this hilarious party board game. // Has raised $2,715 of $10,000 so far. (~27%)	2 - 6	43	$30 / $63	Nov 06
13 Monsters: Armed to the Teeth - Battle expansion pack Supercharge your battles with 13 Monsters: Armed to the Teeth, the brand-new expansion pack for 13 Monsters: The game. // Has raised €1,558 of €6,500 so far. (~24%)	2 - 8	37	$30 / €42	Nov 05	bgg #expansion #reprint
Additive Drinking: The Card Game For Drinkers A fast paced and competitive drinking game. Influence your opponents drinking tasks to impossible levels using cards like +1, +4, x2. // Has raised $451 of $500 so far. (~90%)	2 teams	16	$12 / $28	Nov 02
Ambush Epic A semi-cooperative Dungeon game. Lead your hero to the creepy and darkest nook of the dungeon. // Has raised €14,570 of €25,000 so far. (~58%)	1 - 4	309	$42 / €47	Oct 29	bgg #take2
Animal Family A card game for the whole family. It matches animals in different family dynamics, which has rules for both ages 3 - 6 and 6 - 10. // Has raised $1 of $5,000 so far. (~0%)	?	1	$12 / $1	Dec 06
ANiMOZ - The trading card game of Australian animals The game changing conservation. Come be a Ranger! // Has raised A$12,836 of A$5,900 so far. (~218%) ☑	1 - 4+	198	$11 / A$65	Oct 31
Blood & Plunder: Raise the Black Golden age pirates join the world of Blood & Plunder as we move into the 18th century! // Has raised $220,954 of $120,000 so far. (~184%) ☑	2	1133	$50 / $195	Nov 04	bgg #expansion #reprint
Bluffy pirates An extremely fun, highly competitive, strategic party game, suited for groups from 4 to 6 people. // Has raised €862 of €5,000 so far. (~17%)	4 - 6	25	$19 / €34	Oct 26
Card Bard A highly thematic card game where players take up the mantle of the bard! // Has raised $4,182 of $12,000 so far. (~35%)	2 - 4	70	$38 / $60	Nov 05	bgg
Cartographers Heroes + 3 Map Pack Expansions The stand-alone follow up to the critically acclaimed map-drawing game - Cartographers: A Roll Player Tale. // Has raised $218,516 of $20,000 so far. (~1093%) ☑	1 - 100	4073	$22 / $54	Oct 23	bgg
Cooking Customers - Play Cards, Roll Dice & Don't Get Fired! Cooking Customers is a "stick it to your competition" card and dice game where you play cards, roll dice and try not to get fired! // Has raised $22 of $100 so far. (~22%)	2 - 10	3	$15 / $7	Oct 24	bgg #take2
Dice Command A semi-abstract tactical wargame for 2-4 players with dice action selection and engine building! // Has raised C$10169 of C$7000 so far. (~145%) ☑	2 - 4	183	$35 / C$56	Nov 05
DICTATOR-Y LITTLE BITCH: A Cooperative Card/Board Game Team up with intelligent life forms from all over the Universe to resist the DICTATOR-Y LITTLE B!†₵Ħ before he totally Fµ₵кs the WORLD. // Has raised $1,357 of $13,000 so far. (~10%)	2 - 6	22	$34 / $62	Nov 02
Disciples - The Immoral Game of Cults and Consequences Start a cult! Perform ridiculous rituals, collect disciples and forget your morals in this fun global strategy tabletop game. // Has raised $2,653 of $3,333 so far. (~80%)	2 - 4	35	$38 / $76	Oct 30	bgg
Do You Realize How Much? An engaging, fun and surprising card game about our human footprint // Has raised €5,721 of €6,000 so far. (~95%)	?	145	$18 / €39	Nov 11
Dungeon Decorators A new tile-drafting light strategy game from the makers of The Red Dragon Inn! // Has raised $26,777 of $40,000 so far. (~67%)	2 - 4	476	$39 / $56	Oct 29	bgg
Dungeon Drop: Dropped Too Deep and Tavern Tales Prepare to drop deeper with an epic expansion to the premier "drop-style" tabletop game. Then complete your story with Tavern Tales! // Has raised $143,731 of $14,500 so far. (~991%) ☑	varies	2357	$16 / $61	Oct 29	bgg #expansion
Eternal Eight A Miniature War game with True 3D Castles and Villages! // Has raised $1,855 of $100,000 so far. (~2%)	1 - 4	19	$89 / $98	Nov 09
EvenQuads A new card deck, and five new games, featuring the biographies of women mathematicians through history. // Has raised $6,043 of $3,000 so far. (~201%) ☑	1 - ?	146	$18 / $41	Nov 19
Fearsome Wilderness: the board game & miniatures collection a tabletop gaming experience crafted for gamers, hobbyists, and horror fans alike. // Has raised $17,390 of $10,000 so far. (~174%) ☑	1 - 4	289	$49 / $60	Nov 05	bgg
Filibust! Party Card Game A party card game full of laughter; just don't let it out! You and your friends must keep a straight face saying your whacky lines. // Has raised $587 of $10,000 so far. (~6%)	3 - 8	10	$25 / $59	Dec 08
Frostpunk: The Board Game A city-survival game where heat means life and every decision comes at a cost. From the designers of Nemesis and This War of Mine: TBG. // Has raised €1,093,059 of €200,000 so far. (~547%) ☑	1 - 4	9962	$89 / €110	Oct 28	bgg
Gun and Gun A fast-paced competitive card game featuring action-packed 1v1 duels and a two-deck draft system, brought to you straight from Japan. // Has raised $27,313 of $10,000 so far. (~273%) ☑	2	438	$30 / $62	Oct 22	bgg
Herbaceous - Pocket Edition A new, compact version of Herbaceous that's just as relaxing and beautiful as the original // Has raised $18,466 of $4,500 so far. (~410%) ☑	1 - 4	925	$15 / $20	Oct 19	bgg #newedition
Hey Doc, A adult party game for health care workers, students and anyone who finds bodily functions humerus! // Has raised $12,005 of $11,000 so far. (~109%) ☑	3+	269	$35 / $45	Nov 01	#take2 #lolwut
Hidden Society of the Gnomes: Great Invasion Gnomes are taking over the world! The invasion is inevitable! Will they succeed, or will the human race prevail? The choice is yours! // Has raised €222 of €60,000 so far. (~0%)	2	4	$47 / €56	Dec 08	#hmm
High Rise: The UltraPlastic Edition The tabletop board game about construction and corruption, now with gorgeous plastic buildings // Has raised $49,273 of $50,000 so far. (~99%)	1 - 4	706	$5 / $70	Oct 29	bgg #newedition #expansion
Jack Rabbit JAM: Battle Roulette A casino-style 1v1 game of strategy and luck, inspired by classic arcade fighters. // Has raised £83 of £777 so far. (~11%)	2	13	$10 / £6	Oct 28
Journey to Ecrya: A roleplay-driven board game Play as 1 of 8 unique heroes and embark on a dangerous journey through a rich fantasy landscape in this 2 to 4 players game. // Has raised €2,180 of €13,000 so far. (~17%)	2 - 4	53	$30 / €41	Nov 10	bgg
King of the West A quick Weird West area-control card game that fits in your pocket. Only $9! // Has raised $2,169 of $3,500 so far. (~62%)	2 - 9	86	$9 / $25	Nov 03	bgg
Mighty Armies: Invasion The dead have risen! The living must form armies as they combat the forces of foul necromancers. Welcome to Invasion. // Has raised $1,441 of $500 so far. (~288%) ☑	2?	22	$10 / $66	Oct 18
MUD: A Political Card Game The dirty game of American elections. // Has raised $19,427 of $12,000 so far. (~162%) ☑	2 - 6	394	$25 / $49	Nov 02	bgg
NOONGK - the future is already here! Harness the power of technologies and leverage them as a tool to achieve the sustainable development agenda. // Has raised €182 of €30,000 so far. (~1%)	?	5	$35 / €36	Nov 11	#hmm
Pocket Paragons 3-minute Asymmetrical Duel // Has raised $11,591 of $8,000 so far. (~145%) ☑	2	214	$20 / $54	Nov 05	bgg
Prosperitea A simple and elegant card game about blending, selling, and trading loose leaf tea. From the studio that brought you Cantankerous Cats! // Has raised $3,714 of $20,000 so far. (~19%)	3 - 6	95	$29 / $39	Nov 02	bgg
Rainbow Unicorn Rescue Rainbow Unicorn Rescue is a true family board game; created by two young sisters and brought to life with a little help from dad. // Has raised $4,046 of $5,000 so far. (~81%)	2 - 4	56	$30 / $72	Nov 01
Random Fun Generator, Dice Games from Steve Jackson Games A collection of over twenty dice games from Steve Jackson Games! Use any existing six-sided dice, or play using our many custom dice!!! // Has raised $79,119 of $500 so far. (~15824%) ☑	varies	3166	$15 / $25	Oct 12
Rathskellers Modular Table : For Dining, Gaming & RPG's Rathskellers' 1st kickstarter project ! Presenting Sunnygeeks: A truly epic & modular table for Dining, Gaming & RPGs. // Has raised €269,740 of €100,000 so far. (~270%) ☑	-	231	$1182 / €1,168	Nov 12	#bling
Reputation: The Game of Fame A scandalous card game about your journey to superstardom. // Has raised A$1,155 of A$1,500 so far. (~77%)	?	25	$18 / A$46	Nov 02
ROTTEN MINIATURES MMXX Resin miniatures in dark fantasy style for players, collectors, and painters. // Has raised €4,486 of €2,500 so far. (~179%) ☑	-	79	$10 / €57	Nov 07	#minis
RPG Battles: The Card Game The easiest roleplaying, cards, and strategy game ever! Based on the mechanics of the Pathfinder RPG, without the complication. #TTRPG // Has raised $961 of $1,000 so far. (~96%)	2 - 6	31	$15 / $31	Nov 06	bgg
Sig: City of Blades Cosmopolitan Planar Fantasy, Forged in the Dark // Has raised C$15246 of C$10000 so far. (~152%) ☑	?	354	$19 / C$43	Oct 30	#rpg
Solid Oak Dice Tower Evolution Dice tower / tray / storage combo // Has raised £1,605 of £400 so far. (~401%) ☑	-	26	$39 / £62	Oct 29	#bling
Spindlewheel A tarot-like interpretive storytelling game where you weave a story from card to card. // Has raised $19,970 of $5,000 so far. (~399%) ☑	?	321	$35 / $62	Nov 07	#rpg
Studies in Sorcery Studies in Sorcery is an engine building and drafting game for 1-4 players about getting your master's degree in the dark arts. // Has raised $16,327 of $5,900 so far. (~277%) ☑	1 - 4	545	$19 / $30	Oct 29	bgg
Takkure, a cyberpunk rugby game In a violent cyberpunk universe, the players take on the role of coaches to lead teams of 4 players. // Has raised €19,734 of €13,000 so far. (~152%) ☑	2	282	$77 / €70	Oct 25	bgg
The Conquistadors A game simulating the Spanish conquest of the Americas from 1518-1548 // Has raised $6,373 of $2,500 so far. (~255%) ☑	1 - 5	80	$64 / $80	Oct 27	bgg
The Sleepover A lightly horror themed family friendly co-op board game. Where you have to restore power to the house before the Boogeyman gets you. // Has raised $2,569 of $27,000 so far. (~10%)	2 - 6	32	$45 / $80	Nov 06
Time Vault Soccer - The football card game A 2 player starter pack and expansion for the original Time Vault Soccer "Debut" set - with added World Cup-ness. // Has raised £613 of £1,000 so far. (~61%)	2 - 6	14	$27 / £44	Nov 05	bgg #expansion #newedition
To The Moon And Back A fun and highly tactical board game where in up to six players compete against eachother as intergalactic parcel couriers. // Has raised €3,724 of €20,000 so far. (~19%)	2 - 6	68	$48 / €55	Nov 05
TorKings: The World's Greatest Strategic Alignment Game UNTAMED and UNLEASHED - The genre's EXTREME UPGRADE of gameplay and hardware is here. // Has raised A$38,686 of A$5,000 so far. (~774%) ☑	2 - 6	406	$39 / A$95	Oct 27	bgg
Truth or lie, do you know your friends? The boardgame where you will have to discover if your friends are lying or telling the truth, with the most intimate questions // Has raised €322 of €2,200 so far. (~15%)	?	8	$24 / €40	Nov 03
Unforgiven: The Lincoln Assassination Trial Relive one of the most famous trials in US history--a tense, tabletop duel where you sway a jury & a nation for swift justice. // Has raised $22,177 of $7,999 so far. (~277%) ☑	2	373	$29 / $59	Oct 31	bgg
WOKE UP! “There is no such thing as a single issue struggle"Audre Lorde (Black, Lesbian, Mother, Warrior) // Has raised £1 of £4,600 so far. (~0%)	2 - 6	1	$20 / £1	Nov 04
Yonder: A Fantasy Tabletop Roleplaying Game Refugees from a cataclysm venture into a magical land where they are transformed as they reveal their inner nature. // Has raised C$8192 of C$6000 so far. (~137%) ☑	?	176	$19 / C$47	Nov 01	#rpg
You Don't Know Me: The Friendship Party Game Testing friendships since 2020. // Has raised C$2957 of C$8000 so far. (~37%)	3 - 6+	36	$19 / C$82	Nov 05

Need moar Kickstarter goodness?

Check out...

• My Calendar of Announced Kickstarters (Also available in iCal flavor)
• My interactive AirTable view of all active board game kickstarter campaigns.
• BoardGameGeek's variety of Kickstarter-oriented Geeklists
• Kicktraq's data-driven views

Footnotes

• #hmm means that something about the project seems a little off. Buyer beware kinda thing.
• #lolwut is reserved for projects that seem like copycat games or campaigns put together with little thought. Check 'em out for amusement.
• #take tags are for projects that have been restarted for some reason, with the number indicating what iteration we're currently on.
• Did I miss something? Particularly something new in the last 7 days or ending in the next 7 days? Let me know in the comments and I'll add it in.

Tip Jar

These lists take time and money to put together. Not a lot, but a little. If you enjoy them, maybe toss me a buck now and then. Signing up for a free AirTable account via my referral link can help, too. Plus, it's swell!

It took me 7 days primarily low betting the whole time to reach level 100. (9 to reach level 110.) Whenever I bet higher than 350-450K, usually, my coins just plummeted within minutes. I think anyone who reached level 100 within 1-3 days bet higher and lucked out tremendously.
Slow and steady guide:

1. Join a club. The higher AND more active the better. Absolute highest is Master 1. From what I've seen, Master I, II and III required players to be a minimum level (like 100+) to join and/or a request to join (mine was never accepted). Unlike similar casino games, Stars Slots won't let you do an advanced search. You can search for a specific club if you know any names, however. So you are left with the option to join the first club on the list that currently has the most collective coins made and which allows members of your current level to join. Either that or create a club (don't recommend). So go ahead and join that first one, but change later based on step #3’s information. Also, the higher the club the bigger percentage of extra free coins you get from different sources within the game. So it goes Master I, II, III, World Class I, II, III, Expert I, II, III, and last is Pro I. Since I couldn't join Master clubs I did best in World II and World I.
2. Collect coins. The FB group, free coins from https://www.peoplesgamezgiftexchange.com/stars-slots-free-chips/gifts or similar website, starting with the most recent and going back as far as you can. Within the game: Once daily spin the wheel; Star Bonus every 60 minutes from far bottom left side of home screen; Huuuge Heist (unlock at level 35) every 15 hours (beside Star Bonus) (the 15 hours increase the higher a level you are at for longer wait)... make sure you've gathered bucks (can see next to dollar image under coin image at top left) (amount of bucks needed increase the higher a level you are at) in case you get an empty box and want to keep what you've won so far with boxes. Tip: An empty box for one round, for example the first one, can also be the empty one in the very next round; it's random each round. I was terrible at this game and should've clicked "give up" sooner than keep gambling; Lottery (ticket to play) every 6 hours (some say value goes up at level 70, so to save them. User batmanbnb below states to save bronze tickets until level 70. It’s up to you whether to save tickets or not.); click on Shop (top middle in green) and on the top right you can click and collect free coins every 8 hours; at the bottom of the Shop screen OR to the right of the Shop image on the home screen you click and watch a video to collect coins, until you can no longer watch, every 8 hours. Also collect coins from club members every time they hit a jackpot and 1 million coins just for first time joining any club through Stars League (middle bottom of home screen).
3. When you join a club click on a team member's profile and connect and you'll get an option to connect/friend every member in the club. I did this and connected to as many people during games I played until I reached my limit. I figured people in the clubs I joined, even lower level clubs, may leave and join higher ones like I did. Probably would be a good idea to go to a tier II game (the middle option for higher betting than Beginner called High Limit once you've unlocked it) and connect to players currently playing it since they have high enough coins to play that. You don't have to play yourself if you don't want to: just drop in, connect, and leave. Then, at the bottom right of the home screen click on Social and you'll see every friend you have. What I did was click on those who had the highest coins at the time and see what club they were a part of: If the club was World II or higher I joined it. Question: What if you want to do better than this club you found (either through this method or the Join Club list) either because its level is too low or not active enough players? Click on Stars League (middle bottom of home screen) then click on Seasons (to the right of Members). This shows you where your club is currently placed. If you see higher placed clubs with available space AND you can join AND it's World Class II or higher then join it. Remember your old club’s name if you ever want to go back, just in case. If you attempt to join a club and you can't get in (maybe you're not at high enough a level) you are also kicked out of your current club for attempting to leave (for some reason), leaving you club-less. My favorite clubs were Polacy2019 (currently World Class I), pour tous (World Class I), and A.Y.M.K.N. TEAM (World Class I).
4. Betting: The general rule of thumb I found was to bet when you have a minimum of 10-20 million, which I agree with. But you can wait, collecting as many coins as you can, to start betting when you have more. The tip I read (and stuck with) was to follow the 1% bet rule: bet 1% of your current chips or even lower (like half of that).
5. Games: Everyone has a different favorite game. Some games are passive (can do Hold for Autospin and not babysit the game) while others you need to be engaged with*. Passive games: God of Sky, Steam City, Neptune's Mistress. *Note: User DilutedDante below stated all games are passive; for the games I saw that wanted my input (choose numbered cards for spin the wheel, etc.) I didn't wait long enough to see if the game would perform the action for me. Recommended games from other users here on Reddit: Wheel of Wins, God of Sky (one of my favorites), Speedy 777 Spins, Retro 81 (one of my favorites), Fortunes Jackpots (never played), and Jackpot Mania (never played). Of course, more games are unlocked the higher the level you reach. I recommend that if you are under 30 million to play God of Sky or Speedy 777 (which didn’t work too well for me, but others like it when trying to gain coins). Remember to do minimum betting or 1% or lower betting. Occasionally I would switch games and play Retro 81 or Wheel of Wins. Do this until you reach level 38 and unlocked Steam City and level 40 to unlock Neptune’s Mistress. I almost exclusively played these two, passively, to reach level 100. My method was betting 100K or 125K (if I had a minimum of 40-50 million). I didn’t feel secure enough to bet 250K or higher until I had a minimum of 100 million because otherwise I would run out of coins too quickly. I rarely bet higher than 500K. I think it took 2 hours or so, minimum betting, to level up each time. So that’s why it took me a week to do this and reach level 100. I found Steam City to be the best game overall as another user did. Sometimes, even at lowest betting and even with 100+ million coins and leaving it to play on its own, I would lose all coins. But that’s OK - just collect coins again and play again. It’s all luck. Another time I started with 15 million and it jumped to 125 or so million in a short amount of time with 100K betting playing Neptune’s Mistress.
6. I don’t recommend Daisy’s Challenges (far bottom right of main screen). The games to be played either rarely had wins for me or the minimum bet required to unlock a box was higher than I was comfortable doing. See user DilutedDante's comment below for benefit of doing Daisy's Challenges.

If anyone has any other tips or corrections on what I've said (I've read other users got into Master clubs, but they all seemed to be for very high level players?) please share! This is just my conservative and mostly passive playing guide based on how the experience was for me. Some users do recommend Daisy's Challenges or betting higher playing the 2nd tiemiddle High Limit slot machine and had better luck with those than I did.
I gathered many other tips from various users from the Swagbucks Reddit thread not mentioned here. If anyone wants me to include some of them I can.
See below for user Kpheark1's additional tips.

This might not sound important but the offer is easily completed in 4-5 hours and u/Mikazah made a wonderful guide on how to complete it. one tip I would give it to do the Huuuge Diamonds casino. It doesn't have any free spins but every so often it hands out a chest with chips in it and the higher your level your jackpots range from 100m chips to 6B. Same thing with the chests.
Edit: Alot of the comments said that it would take more than 4-5 hours depending on how lucky you are.

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After the first post, I replied to most of the comments and decided I'd try a few more games, while the first post had some mixed reactions, it seemed more positive and helpful to others than not. Well, you know you want to feed the machine for WoL and Death Machine after all... or maybe you already did and you're just wanting to rebuild that stash for Kilfe, FFTv2, or whoever. I have a few suggestions and tips for each. Do note that it's not up to me what's shown on your wall, or why numbers super fluctuate, I'm only trying to share advice on what has worked for me, to make this easier for you. A couple of the comments were... very aggressive as if I stiffed you, sorry for taking all the good stuff I guess? Be aware that the potential numbers I listed was what I got, you may get more or less, I'm guessing as more do or skip a challenge the numbers alter to reflect the popularity. I apologize for not labeling it clearly again, but this is on the Android paywall, I understand that for whatever reason, Apple has shafted it's users, sorry.
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One Punch Man 2.0 - Beat 5-4 within 1 week. Fairly straightforward challenge, some of the worlds get kinda big, but if you like OPM, you might dig this a bit, like any gacha game there are tiers of characters and some will help you finish this challenge faster than others. 3 x 3 party grid, field 5, and turns are based on the position on the grid up right, far right, bot right, up middle etc so you have some control on altering specials and turn order. Several codes out there will help you fill up your party faster. Every 4 stages is a miniboss, so 1-8, 1-12 etc, usually the following 3 are much easier... unlike Idle Heroes, you can go as far as your party takes you. Also BIG note, the challenge does vanish from your offerwall... it still paid out pretty quickly on completion. codes
Potential 1260 visiore, took 1 1/2 days, I feel like I had a really strong party, some of my guild mates took 3 and 4 days, ymmv a bit.
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Left to Survive - Level 6 base in 10 days. Probably the most fun out of all the games I've played lately, a bit unique (at least to me) in gameplay. The game is half base builder, have weapon upgrades to shoot zombies in an old arcade style shooter. I thought this challenge would take longer, but it seems when I hit rank 4 an anniversary event opened up. Did this challenge enough to hit 18000 tier (10k oil as a reward), which also gave me enough points to purchase several things from the event shop. I was scared at first to redeem anything, as I was certain I'd lose materials over my cap... I have roughly a 3k supplies and oil cap, so 10k was quite a lot... the shop had 100000 supplies for like 250 tokens, I had 1000, on top of this, the shop also had 10x 1 hour speed ups for 300, bought that twice, and finished really quickly. The game will force you into 1 pvp match, and attempt to have you raid someone, you can back out of the raid, it'll break your peace shield. The anniversary event should be going on for another 3 or 4 days. Overall different, kinda fun, different change of pace, pretty easy to complete within the peace shield time limit... even easier if you take advantage of the anniversary event.
Potential 1620 visiore, took about 12 hours, was scared to lose resources otherwise it'd have been about 10~
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Vikings: War of Clans - Train any T3 unit, no time limit. Do note theirs a timed version as well, but oddly enough it pays LESS, so why hurt yourself on rushing? On top of you only get 1 builder, which as limiting as that is... wasn't the worst issue. That said this one is super time consuming... usually with base building games you need to quickly upgrade your keep/castle to upgrade your barracks to build higher tier troops, not the case here... you need to do that AND research it in the tower. The costs of even the T2 units (and you have to unlock ALL of them) is astronomical, at this point I was getting about 1500 resources an hour, and hitting nodes on the map for about 8k of 1 type per hour. Each T2 (that I can see) is 48 hours to complete, 50k of all resources and 90k silver. It's disgusting, and I imagine the T3 will be even worse. So not only is this gated on time, the resources needed is pretty staggering, you also only get a 3 day shield. Getting attacked may be a problem, they won't get any of the normal resources due to your storage protection... but silver isn't protected until rank 21, so if you're struggling to hit 90k multiple times and possibly even more, it could become a problem. You can join a clan and someone might send you silver, but most of the people I've seen in chat are pretty... derpy to say it kindly. Overall I'd pass on this one, even without it having a time limit I'd still say pass.
Potential 1822 visiore, currently at 2 1/2 days... I wager at least another 7 to finish, more if I become a target... at least it's not timed, but who wants to add onto the stress?
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Afk Arena - Train any Legendary hero, no time limit. A bit of luck with this, the upgrade system is just like the OPM one, but just in case you don't try that... 2 of the SAME rare (blue), makes a rare+, any 3 rare+ of the same element makes an elite (purple), 2 of the SAME elite, makes an elite+, 3 elite + of the same element makes a legendary. This game also has a lot of codes that you can get a bunch of quick units. I recommend selling any green tier units for hero shards and using the shop to buy random blue tier units... you should be able to get most/all of them. Push as far as you can in the story, the tower, and the maze event, it too gives tokens to buy randoms (or save up to buy an elite dupe, this will depend on your pulls of course). This isn't too bad, very similar to Idle Heroes in the sense that after the first hour or two, you only need to collect, push, recruit more units every 8 or so hours. Not a hard challenge at all, part of it is luck on pulls, maybe you'll finish faster, maybe you'll need to level a lot and really grind out every crystal you can, it's hard to say... but they do get codes fairly often and it's not timed, so it could be a refreshing break. Do note this challenge also vanishes off of your wall, but you'll still get paid. codes
Potential 756 visiore, finished in 1 1/2 days. Just finished about 30 min ago, but was credited before I finished this post. I doubled up this game while doing Vikings after the first day.
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Also not saying to do or don't, but it seems that someone got lucky...
Lord_Xashen
The "Billionaire Casino Slots 777: Free Vegas Games" one for reaching Level 200 is bugged? I grinded to Level 162 and when I swapped over to check the WotV shop for WoL Shards, the Visiore was sitting in my inbox.
Edit: Not complaining
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Total visiore earned to date - 14688, I'm sure I'll try a few more, just they'll have to wait, I move Monday and some of these can be pretty time intensive. I'm considering going for one of the Star Trek ones, and another base builder... once I've settled in of course.
Again, I'm happy to reply to comments or pms if something needs further explanations, or even if you have a story you'd like to share as well.